Cycles
by Darkecean
Summary: 4 Months, 3 Days, 2 Hours, 27 Minutes..is when her world crumbled and chaos reigned down harder than any World Killer. Now what? Alex's struggles. We will see where it goes from here.
1. Chapter 1

" _What are we fighting for?_

 _Seems like we do it just for fun.._

 _In this, this just stupid war_

 _We play hard with our plastic guns.."_

4 months, 3 days, 2 hours..27 minutes; exact time when logic warranted over the heart. The same time her feelings walked out the door. It was about an hour after when her eyes flickered around a place that had been home, had been comfort..but now weathered with ghosts of relentless cruel memory. She had sentenced herself then and there and with justice swift she buried herself in the bottom of a bottle.

The ride to the bar was filled with absolute stoic chilled paralysis and she hadn't even fathomed how she had been able to get to her chosen destination. It didn't matter when all she wished to do was drown herself into the depths of numbness or darkness. Both wedged and fought at each other in the back of her mind as she arrived at the bar.

4 months…..3 days….2…. She had made a promise to her sister. She had made a promise to herself. Well, then their little travel to the other Earths and her drunken stupor with Sara Lance; wasn't entirely a bad thing but..it brought up the struggle. It brought up so much Alex wasn't ready to tackle head on and for once the agent felt defenseless against what unfolded between her head and her heart. She promised. Until…..

" _Dammit, stay with me Kara.."_

Until..she'd watched the person whom saw the light in her even in her darkest of times, whom carried her from the drink, whom drove her home, whom..saved her..fall.

* * *

It had been the second day as her little sister lay in a coma that...she thought of the bottle once more. It wasn't just the bottle she had wanted. She wanted to take her cell and dial the number she knew she had on speed dial if necessary. The number, that as the news was broadcasting Supergirl's crushing defeat and possible demise..never appeared on her screen as an incoming concern. It broke her even more, that someone whom referred to her sister as Little Danvers never called to ask if she was okay. Not..once. It made her want to take the liquor they used to share, by the neck of the bottle and throw it as hard as she could at a wall or in fact even her ex's door.

Now, Alex had just learned whom Reign was behind the mask. All the realizations had come slamming them all with a massive force directly into their faces and worse? It was behind their backs the entire time. She felt as if she should have done more or realized it sooner, like the day she had tested Sam. That day where even though she fought it..her heart had skipped a few beats. Of course she had swallowed it down. And now, she stood beside Lena Luthor as they went over her findings and compared theories.

"Alex..I was protecting Sam..I…" But the agent cut her off.

"I know. I don't really like that this MONSTER is Sam but.."

"That's the thing though! It's not! She's not! It's as if the moment she blacks out this entity takes over her."

"I know. I know Sam would never do anything like this. I mean, she has Ruby and I don't see her ever doing anything like this. She's too good."

"And yet...you've known her what, a few months?" Alex felt her body tighten up tension rising as she focused on her breathing to mellow out. When Lena turned to look at the agent she stilled as dread and regret for her words filled her own body. "Alex I…"

"Forget it." The agent stoned her voice slamming all emotion out of the conversation. "Will you keep us informed with your findings Ms. Luthor?" Alex watched as the woman steadied herself then the mask fell over her face as she too shut down as she nodded. "Good. Call my cell with updates. I'll…..I have to tend to something."

* * *

She couldn't get out of that lab fast enough as she felt her insides curling. It was if some python had slipped under her burning flesh and begun to slither around each organ coiling twice and began constricting tighter and tighter until her movements were staggering and lessened by the suffocation of submerging into endless memories of darkness.

By the time she had reached the training room she immediately turned on the kryptonite emitters to their highest they could be under her codes to avoid any run in with her sister by using her weakness as her own personal shield to keep her out. In her hand was the bottle of her and her ex's favorite brew as she dropped upon her knees in the center of the room still clenching the poisonous liquor. Alex sighed knowing the tears were coming as she heard hard bangs and had a good idea whom was outside the door. Then she heard the beeps of codes entered for the door and slowly and quietly twisted the cap to open the bottle.

"Ale….x….ooooh...whoa..Al?" The agent undid the cap the rest of the way then turned slightly back to witness her sister collapse partially to the training room floor breathing harder than she should the agent turned away cursing her mistake. "Ale...x…."

"Kryptonite meter...drop 46%!" Alex shouted as the pressure calmed for the struggling woman behind her as she glanced back at the bottle. "Kara…..please..leave me alone."

"No Alex." Kara crawled over then gasped clenching her jaw some as she gazed at what her sister was holding watching with wide eyes as the agent brought the bottle to her lips. "Alex...you promised me!" But her pleas fell on deaf ears. "Alex no!" Then it met her lips and the blonde felt her heart shattering at the sight until..

"4 months..3 days….2 hours...no..3 now.." She spoke as tears slipped down her cheeks and she tilted the bottle upside down only for Kara to understand that it was empty all along. "They say….the smell can trigger both..a good and bad experience."

"Alex.." Without even thinking she instantly slid her arms around her big sister putting her head on the agent's shoulder as Alex rested hers against Kara's. "I'm sorry."

"I know..I promised, but….when you were.." Kara lifted her head to cup her sister's chin softly to tilt her sister's head up as their gazes met. "That was…"

"I'm okay now."

"Sam..and Ruby." Kara studied her sister's eyes and expression.

"You..cherish Ruby. You…. _like_ Sam." Alex should have known her sister would put the pieces together before she could. Nodding she finally accepted it within herself. "We will get Sam better." Alex nodded once more and broke their floor embrace only to hold out the bottle to Kara. "What..do you want me to toss it?"

"This was the last thing she bought...the last thing we shared.."

" _Breathe deep, bottle it up.._

 _So deep until it's all we got._

 _Don't speak, just use your touch_

 _Don't speak before we say too much…."_

"This, was...was this that night?" Alex took a long shaky breath slowly releasing it.

"We drank until we quit thinking, til we were fucking….not sharing love, just stopping pain." Another deep unsteady breath until the agent could let it out continuing. "In the end she tried to change my mind, tried to have me cave to keep her. In the end her walking out….it was all my doing Kar.."

" _You hate me now and I feel the same way.._

 _You love me now and I feel the same way,_

 _We scream and we shout and make up the same day.._

 _The same day.."_

"You stayed true to what you really wanted Alex." The blonde watched as her sister shook her head.

"What I….what I wanted? It's a fairytale Kar. I'm an agent. I'm a fighting skilled soldier. I'm not fit for motherhood! I barely have time to watch my friend's kid! No..see, don't you see? I do like Sam..I do. But….with Reign? World Killers? The cards work against me and stay dealt in the reaper's favor. I almost lost you.." Alex shut her eyes putting her head back contemplating asking Kara to fly her to the closest bar but she knew that wasn't the answer. "Love..it's just not in the cards for me Kar."

"Alex.." The agent lifted her gaze back to her sister sighing as tears escaped her eyes once more. "That isn't true..there will be another Maggie and it will be better. Don't give up."

"Maybe….in the end...I'm always.. _rock bottom..._ "


	2. Chapter 2

" _These are the days of the underdog.._

 _The counted outs_

 _The ones you don't see coming…_

 _Times of the left-behinds,_

 _The underneaths,_

 _The heart that's tired but still keeps running…"_

Stuffing her hand into her black leather jacket she dug for the keys feeling the cool metal along her fingers fishing them out to jingle the set of keys until finding the appropriate one pushing it into the keyhole of her front door. Turning it she couldn't help but rest her forehead against the door as her hand let the rest of the keys hang as she turned the knob lifting her head back up sighing. Upon entrance she quickly threw her black duffel bag across the floor to punch in an access code for the loft as the beep initiated approval at the keypad on the wall. Shutting the door she heard another beep and trudged in after another long ass day at the DEO.

She shuffled out of her jacket dropping it on her new black Lazy Boy chair, compliments of Lena Luthor, along with most of the newer modifications to the place which had also been a gift to her as a congrats to her promotion to Director. Heading to the well laid out kitchen, Alex found herself going to the fridge reaching out as she pried it open to grab a soda though wishing it was a beer.

" _Yeah man, it's been a year,_

 _Sometimes I wish I could disappear.._

 _Had a door slammed and my heart broken.._

 _But somehow the window's still open.."_

Cracking open the cap popping it to bring it to her lips Alex shut her eyes and pictured it to be her favorite yet most hated liquor. Didn't taste anything like it though, just a simple cherry coke. Opening her eyes back up she reached into her back pocket to slip her phone out and set it on the counter and as she did she noticed 3 messages in her text box on her notifications bar. Taking a bated breath she went to reach for it as a 4th popped up and she swallowed down the uneasy feeling unsure of whom they were from.

" _Silent voices I've never heard…_

 _All waiting to say the words,_

 _Held up and kept inside.._

 _But we don't have to hide…."_

Scooping up the device in her hand her thumb drug over the screen to unlock it tapping in her code as she instantly flicked the notifications bar down and tapped on the messages.

1...from her sister.

2…..from Lena.

The last…..was _Sam…._

" _Tell me I am not the only.._

 _One here feeling lonely,_

 _Tell me I don't have to try so hard.."_

Instantly she ignored the other two women's messages as she clicked on the one from Arias. She felt her heart began to pump faster.

 _Hey Alex. Hope work isn't keeping you too busy with you being boss lady and all. We had just got back into town and. . . .I feel bad for not telling ya that we were leaving. I felt really shitty for it but with Reign and all that garbage I. . .I needed fresh air and some time with Rubes just clear of the remnants of what damage my hands had caused. I know what you would say, that it wasn't my fault. But it was Alex. It was. I never should have went out looking for answers, never should have done a lot of things but. . . .out here, well where we were. .. .it didn't feel like home. It didn't feel right. Not the way that Y o u. .do. Not the way I feel when I, when I'm around you. Spare me the Agent busy business excuse lmao and meet me for a drink at the little restaurant where we first were properly introduced by Lena. Say around 6. Not tonight lol cause I would hav_

Alex stared down at the message she'd just read and wondered what else Sam was trying to message and couldn't help but hold her breath a little bit to see if another message would pop up. It didn't, at least not for a few minutes and after she'd given up hope of more. Then her phone came to life and the Director nearly tripped over her own feet grabbing it from counter where she'd set it back down to make something on the stove.

"Damn big ass kitchen.." She grumbled to unlock her phone noticing what was splayed out in bold caps between words.

 _Let me cut to it okay? I LIKE YOU. I LIKE how your hair looks in the moonlight with the auburn tones to it. I LIKE how rugged and fierce you are in your Agent mode. I LIKE how your eyes sparkle when you get that million dollar smile I can't help but smile back to. I LIKE how you can read me in ways no one else can. You make Ruby laugh, you make her smile too and you risked your own life to protect my daughter's and.. . .that makes you her hero AND mine. So have dinner and a drink with me. 6. Tomorrow. Goodnight, sweet Director._

" _Tell me I'm alright and then say,_

 _It's all gonna be okay.._

 _Tell me you'll be careful with my heart…."_

Alex felt herself warming all over by the heartfelt message nodding sipping her cherry coke as she put it down cursing at the stove as her pasta water started to bubble over the rim.

"AH FUCK! You Fucking piece of...Damn it!" She spat at the pot and stove absolutely facepalming at the absurdity of her mistake. "The vent.." She groaned reaching up to turn it on overhead the stove. The moment the fan started up and she turned down the heat some of her error had been fixed. Would she be cleaning the rest of the stove and floor later? Yep.

* * *

Another day at the DEO, another mission and another casualty of something that definitely wasn't war but might as well have been...

It had started out as a routine call into their scanners and then how the NCPD was having trouble with a hostage animal but the way they were coming over the radio and staggering over their words, along with the screams and panicked cries in for assistance had gotten a team of DEO agents heading out and against her better judgement, Alex went along as well. Supergirl had been handling a random arson fire burning up an entire street that was filled with low income housing and kids screaming, some of which were refugees from other planets and immediately the suited hero had flew to action.

As Alex geared up and thanked Lena silently for the new additives to her armor Winn had made her she nodded to Vasquez whom was to be her six on the mission since no one wanted an injured and pissed off Director Danvers to deal with after. Then they came rushing in only to be met with a rather infuriated black scaled alien that had to at least be over ten feet tall. Furthermore his long tail that had sharp and crimson spikes that Alex could easily see through her masked helmet that dripped with the blood of those that tried to put this beast down. As it spun to face the agents her brown eyes flickered up to meet this thing's narrow and angered orange glowing hues. Neither human eyes nor reptilian but dangerous and she yelled for her team to split into four.

"I want you at 3, you at 9...get around to 12 we will stay at 6!" She shouted through her helmet as they nodded and ran to their positions. Instantly the creature before them snarled as he flung out his arms and Alex noticed the scales along his arms that appeared to me much sharper and the hands that were almost claws. Two steps forward and both Danvers and Vasquez were starting to feel nervous but held their ground as both held their newest made rifles similar to Alex's favorite alien gun, also compliments of the Luthor. "Susan…"

"I'm not budging Boss...tell me when." She told her through her own masked helmet. But just as Alex was about to issue the command the beast roared out directly at both of them sending both women into a shaken state of shock. Instantly their bodies trembled by the massive explosive noise damaging their concentration and possibly their own eardrums. But the creature wasn't done yet. It flung it's claws out expanding it's hands as venom spat out and shot over the DEO agents on both sides and it's tail whipped to slap the other agents away and slamming up against the walls like a set of discarded toys.

"Sh….shit…" Alex muttered barely able to hear her own voice as a sudden swipe of claws lashed at her body and before she could engage her armor and shields it slapped her backward and directly into a brick wall hearing the crunch under her gear. Instantly her body crumbled to the ground as she watched with spotty vision as the beast descended upon Vasquez whom was helpless and already on her knees gripping her head where the roar had done the damage offsetting her. "Su...san…"

Alex felt her vision slipping further until she heard a howl of agony come from the beast and a bunch of pounding sounds whooshing sounds and the hum of heat vision shutting her eyes caving to the impact of the battle upon her battered body. Her last two thoughts were to her team that she hoped would all be okay. The second...to the drink...she wouldn't get to have...and how...just for one more time...she would be able to take some liquid courage..for the dinner she wanted so badly to have with the gorgeous Arias.

The Director's body sagged against the ground unmoving and was unaware of the voice that called out both her boss name and real name as darkness took it's hold of her.

* * *

The first thing her mind registered was the constant beeping of a machine and given the feeling as she went to move her arm, no doubt there was an IV in it as well as a blood pressure cuff around her upper arm. As she attempted to lift her arm that wasn't occupied by devices she felt a hand softly grab it at the wrist then slide down to fill her hand and then slip fingers between her own.

"K...Kar….a….not that….badly hurt.." But then a thumb softly stroked her knuckles and a set of warm lips touched them kissing them. Alex forced her eyelids up as her chocolate hues didn't meet cerulean blue ones at all but warm and gentle yet deeply worried hazel green ones. "Sam.."

"Alex.." Sam huffed giving her deepest sigh as she tapped her fingers not intertwined with the Director's along the table by the med bay bedside. "You're late."

"Wha…." Alex mumbled looking at the woman whom just threw back her head and laughed deeply still holding her hand. "What?" But the laughter died down and Sam just shook her head smiling deeply then held out her other hand turning her wrist to Alex could see her watch and the time. The Director felt her jaw flat out drop. It was 4 with a rising sun along the dial. Her eyes widened. "It's 4 in the morning?!" But it just brought Sam laughing again as she nodded this time. "Shit….I am late." But then she glanced around then back at Sam and saw what she was wearing just as her sister stood leaning against the doorway.

"Hey there sleepy head. How you feeling?" Kara asked walking over in her Supergirl attire as Alex looked to Sam whom wore something similar except it was a smoke grey and dark emerald green. "She was able to get you guys out in time...Alex….I'm so sorry sis.."

"You...you came and…" Sam nodded straight faced. Alex looked down to the crest that was twin to Kara's but in black and dark emerald green. "Saved…"

"Yes." Arias stated firmly.

"When Sam told me she was back I had her meet me at the cafe and when trouble came brewing close...I kinda...well...she knows." Kara told her. "But the thing is, she was able to dodge an attack like me..just as fast." Alex looked to Sam with one eyebrow raised.

"I thought I was full human but….I guess being in the sun charged my cells and...yeah. So when Kara well Supergirl told me about the mission and that she was handling a fire I flew to the DEO and found a suit left for me with my name on it and I heard the distress call by the cops and…"

"Thank you." Alex smiled and watched out of the corner of her eye as her sister stepped backwards and towards the door but Sam glanced back to her as she grinned to Arias.

"Got things to do...toodles!" Supergirl dashed out leaving both Sam and Alex still holding each other's hand as Arias tightened her grip some though not too tight.

"About that drink…" Sam started. Alex sighed and looked at her with the warmest smile.

"How about just dinner...and….something else, besides...liquor.." Alex told her softly trying to do her best to explain the reason she didn't want to and as hazel eyes widened some and her facial expression shifted to one of realization she groaned and put her head back cursing under her breath. "What was that?"

"Arg...I'm such a moron.." Sam told her bringing her head down to look into Alex's soft chocolate hues. "But...dinner it is.." Both women let the moment linger further as slowly Sam brought her face to Alex's whom gulped slightly until a set of lips met her own after Sam whispered, "Too close Alex...never wanna be that close to losing you again…"

 _We are the underdogs_

 _The counted outs,_

 _The ones you don't see coming…_

 _Times of the left-behinds,_

 _The underneaths.._

 _The hearts that beat._

 _We wanna wake up in the world.._

 _We know we fell asleep in.._

 _We wanna live and give it all_

 _To a love we can believe in…._

Outside the door where she'd snuck back up to she watched with a smile to the look upon her big sister's face listening to her heart and Sam's as they both aligned like a set of stars creating constellations.

"See sis….not _rock bottom_ after all.." She whispered quietly turning back to walk away from the two women whom she knew would find happiness all it's own.

" _And there's gotta be more like me…_

 _Hey, there's gotta be more like me._

 _Tell me I am not the only…_

 _Tell me I am not the only….."_


End file.
